Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
