why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
