She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
