i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
