Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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