Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
