Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
