I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
