You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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