dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
