Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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