someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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