I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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