I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
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My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
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nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Drunk is not a location!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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