You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
