Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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