p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
