While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
