I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
