yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
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Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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