R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
