Moan for me like Helen Keller
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
