Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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