I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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