I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
