bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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