oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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