dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
