so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
