Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
