I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
