Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Man, jail baloney is awful.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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