If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
