I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
