he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
