I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
