U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
