This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
