whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
