I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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