I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
