I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
