It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
