I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
