I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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