Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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