i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
