I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
