he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
