He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
