Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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