i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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