Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
