Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
