I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize