New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
