I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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