You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
