i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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