i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
